I'll save you!
by Lonaargh
Summary: How to save Jack from the Cracken? Easy, just go after him. Parody fic, takes place in DMC.
1. The little old woman

Ok.. So I can't really tell anyone where this story is going. I'm basically just bored right now, and a little bit fed up with my over the top dramatic story. I just need something else to set my mind on, preferably something POTC shaped.

So...yeah... here goes chapter one.

Disclaimer: I own nobody... except Lona and Tina and the little old lady.

Chapter 1: Little old woman

Lona… are you sure about this? I mean… in the DVD he was eaten by that… that… thing"

"A Cracken... repeat after me: Craaaaaacken… something like a giant squid, only more teeth. And a wee bit larger then a normal squid I would imagine."

"Yes, but you're missing my point. I mean… It's great that you want to go see Jack and Will and somehow get rid of Elizabeth but… isn't that kind of hard to do when the main person you're after is eaten alive?"

Stopping in front of the witch's door I turn around and glare at my best friend, Tina.

"No, that isn't hard to do. Because, we're going to save him! Of course. Or something like that anyway. And then… well... I don't know what I'll do then."

Tina raises one eyebrow and scowls at me: "You're turning into one of those scary fan girls! You know? The kind that stalk famous people until the famous person demands a restraining order?"

I knock on the door, and beam happily at Tina: "I'm not turning into one of those, I already am one. Still working on that restraining order though."

The door opens with an eerie creaking sound.

"You're kidding right?" Tina pleads with me as I pull her along through the door and up the stairs.

"Of course I am kidding. There are no famous people here in Holland. I'm just doing this out of sheer historic interest."

We are standing in a strange little room; it is very dark in there, except for a few candles and the occasional skull lantern. The only entrance available is the one we just went through, with a nice decorative bead curtain.

"Historic interest? Yeah right, you just want to snuggle up to Will. You sick person you. Besides... I think it's Kracken. With a K. Not a C."

"Kraak, kraken, Crack, Cracken, Krack, Kracken.. whatever! Giant squid beast thing! With teeth!"

Suddenly some old lady pokes her head above the table that stands in the middle of the room: "Will you two be quiet! I can't hear the spirits talking!"  
I give a small yelp and clutch my chest: "Geez woman! You scared me! Don't do that!"  
Tina walks over to the lady and peers underneath the table where the woman is fiddling with all sorts of wires and electronic equipment: "Perhaps you can't hear the spirits talking because you didn't plug in the cd player here." She tells the little old lady and strolls back to where I'm standing.  
The little lady mutters something and we can hear her moving the wires about some more. Then a screeching noise is heard and finally moans and screams echo through the room.

"Ah, they're back. Thank you sweetie." She flips a switch and the sounds fade away again.

She sits down on a chair behind the table and looks at us as though we didn't just see that she was a great fraud: "And what can I do for you girls? Summon a few of the living death? Let you talk to your dog? Fly away on broomstick, that sort of thing?"

I look at Tina, a grin plastered on my face. She looks back, a worrying look on her own face: "Are you really sure?" "Sure I'm sure! Lady… we want to go to Port Royal!"

The lady scowls at us: "Port Royal? What do I look like? A travel agency? Now go away!"  
I rush forward, urging her to sit down again: "No, no. You don't understand. We want to go to Port Royal… in the movie!"  
The old woman leans back and sighs: "Not again. Aren't you two girls a bit old for this? Normally I only get those 14-year-old giggly schoolgirls in here. You two must be at least 20!"  
Tina frowns and folds her arms in front of her chest: "Yeah, well… we're young at heart."

"Fine... fine... why should I care? Come with me, ladies." The ladies waddles into something that looks like a photo booth: "Now, you two sit on the little bench just behind the curtain. That's it. Now look at the little birdie and say Cheese."  
I look confused at Tina: "Cheese?"

Suddenly a great white light flashes and everything turns... well... white. I feel like I'm falling down in circles and am becoming very dizzy very rapidly. Not to mention that I'm starting to feel extremely sick. And just when I think I can't take it anymore the ground smacks my face real hard.

"Ohhh…autsj... that hurt. And I feel sick… I need a bucket" Somewhere next to me I can hear the ground slamming into Tina too. Her cursing and muttering is interrupted by someone saying: "Well... and who might these be? Who dares to trespass in the house of Tia Dalma?"

_**Yeah, yeah, I know. Been there, done that. Sucked into the movies, blabla. :) Constructive Criticism anyone?**_


	2. Tarzan of the Caribbean?

_A/N Oh boy.. I don't know what I'm doing continuing this story. __I stopped writing the series because I figured nobody was interested in another parody with me in it.. Meh. But I'm bored.._

_Anyway… after more than a year: Welcome back mates._

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Wanna own it though.

**Chapter 2: ****Tarzan of the Caribbean?**

I groan, clutching at my head. "Tia Dalma? What in the name of Davy Jones are we doing there?"  
"Davy Jones? You be knowing about Davy Jones?" Tia Dalma appears from the dark, eyeing us with suspicion. Not that I blame her for that. I mean, we did fall out of the sky into her shack in the middle of a frigging swamp. I'd be suspicious too.

"Yes, we know about Davy Jones. Trust me, I don't want to run into him with all those scary tentacle thingies and yucky friends." Tina mutters, trying to stand up.  
"Ah, but he be not always like that. Once, he be a handsome man, sailing the oceans, fighting the…"  
"Yeah, yeah, we know. He's all sexy and hot and stuff. That's great. Tell me, did you happen to see Jack Sparrow these last few days?" I interrupt, standing on legs that are still wobbly from the great fight with the floor.

Tia Dalma glares at me and for a moment I'm afraid she'll turn me into something awful. Like a Mary Sue, or an Elizabeth. Oh wait, Elizabeth wouldn't be too awful, being Elizabeth means that I can have Will. It also means I can kiss Jack. Hee-hee.  
"Nay, I haven't seen Jack for more than five years. But he should…"  
"Yes, yes, great. Well, we have to skiddaddle. Or something like that anyway. Tina! Come on! We have got a pirate to save! Onwards!" I dramatically point towards the ceiling and burst out of the door.

And I kind of forgot about the little stairs. And the water. And the crocodiles. And snakes. And… aiek!  
So I fell face first into the swamp. Nice. Wonderful. I already love this place.  
"Yes, yes. She is doomed. Yes, I think she already knows that. Nice meeting you, lady. Uhhuh. Yeah. I'll make sure to tell her that. Thank you, bye!" Tina walks out of the door, waving goodbye to Tia Dalma. She turns around and walks down the steps.  
"Tia wants me to tell you she's put a terrible curse on you."  
"That's nice. Hey, is swamp mud supposed to be so… sucky?"  
"I don't know. Mud always sucks doesn't it? She also wanted to tell you you're about to die."  
"Aren't we all? And I didn't mean suck as in 'suck' or 'bad', I mean suck as in 'sucking' or 'pulling you down'."  
"You'll get warts, she said, I don't think she likes you very much. Wait.. what? Pulling you down? Quicksand like?"

I think about it for a little while, look around me, then nod.  
"Yeah, that's the word I was looking for. Quicksand. You know, the deadly kind? Which has already pulled me down to my frigging chest?"  
"Cor, I don't know if that's common for swamps. But I could just leave you there until Jack comes along in that boat… Do you think you can hold out that long?"  
Okay… just count to ten. 1…2…3… screw it.

"Tina! Get me the thingy out of this predicament! I'm too young to die!" I yell, flailing my arms about.  
Tina grins and gives me a hand. With a little bit effort she pulls me out of the sludge. I shudder a bit and look down disapprovingly.  
"How come I always end up soaking wet and some point or another, every time I go to this place?" "Water just loves you?"

Grumbling we stumble along through the jungle until we can't go any further. Not because we're too tired or anything, but because we don't want to swim the entire way back to Port Royal.  
"Oh great, more water. What do we do now?"  
I look around, all I see is water, trees, vines and more water. Heh. This could work.  
"We could pretend to be Tarzans, swinging from vine to vine, screaming at the top of our lungs!"

To emphasize my point I grab hold of the first vine I see. A nice green one. With black spots.  
"Erhm… yes… the screaming I can manage. The swinging from a vine too, probably. But erhm, Lona, honey? You're holding a snake."  
I stare blankly at Tina, repeating what she just said quietly. Slowly I look at the vine in my hand. The green one, with the black spots. And, aha, look at that, a tail. Oh look, it has a head too. Yes. Great. And a tongue, haha, isn't that funny? Fangs, yes well, ofcourse, what snake wouldn't have fangs?  
Nice. Just… nice. I think I'll scream now.

I see the snake's head coming at me and I scream, at the top of my lungs, just as I had proposed we should do. And just a few milliseconds before the snake can bite me, we see a brilliant white light flash and we experience the feeling of falling again.

We smack into the ground again, but this time it's grass. Cursing and muttering I stand up and notice it's raining.  
"Oh great, just great. I wasn't even dry yet from the swamp! Stupid weather. Where are we?"  
Tina looks around, her hair already soaking wet.  
"I know this place. This is where Elizabeth and Will are supposed to get wed."

Somewhere in the distance I hear a somewhat familiar voice cry out: ".. for a certain James Norrington. Is James Norrington present?"  
I squeal and jump up and down.  
"It's Beckett! Let's go meet him!"

And so we run off into the movie again…


End file.
